Almost Like History
The greatest achievements in the history of North Korea
The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea excels in many things due to the inspiration and god-like wisdom of our great leaders, the Kim Family.
After all, what country can boast such prosperously obese rulers? Look, America, upon the full and ideologically-correct cheeks of Brilliant Comrade Kim Jong-un:
Compare him to your pathetically thin leaders and tremble, for soon he will grow large enough to smash the foundations of global capital with his strong, doughy fists! Unfortunately, due to the lies of you imperialist overlords, you have failed to recognize his obvious greatness, and you fear to embrace the system that delivered our country into the stratosphere of human development, creating an economy where every fifth family owns its own radio.
That’s one radio for every 1,089 people! Surely your thick, western heads quiver with the inability to conceive of such luxury.
Indeed, you are not ready for the revolution, obsessed as you are with your indoor plumbing and your Taylor Swifts, whom the great leader once bedded, by the way. Luckily for us, that was merely a ploy to steal the secrets of your western pop music so that we could overthrow your decadent society with catchy tunes about our efficient production of sorghum.
So until you are ready to embrace the benevolent and tender rule of comrade Kim Jong-Un, you will have to content yourselves to look upon the great achievements of the Korean People’s Republic and vomit with envy!
Beloved Comrade Kim Jong-Il’s Right-Thinking Monster, Pulgasari
Our Great General Kim Jong-Il understood that to lead the people, he must first be able to reach them with his pure thoughts. To this end, he found your decadent invention, cinema, to be most useful. After all, it truly is a magnificent medium for delivering instruction to the masses, yet you waste it displaying the antics of Beverly Hills Chihuahuas and foolish women who yearn for love instead of socialism.
So how then was the Great Leader to adapt your invention to our people? After all, the Korean people have no need for such frivolities. They are concerned only with how to increase this year’s tungsten yields. Truly, it was a daunting task to strip film of the moral decay that you Americans had infected it with.
But then, in a moment of brilliant insight, Comrade Kim Jong-Il struck upon the answer. He would tell the greatest story in the history of man. It would be about a giant monster who, tainted by the influence of capitalism, turned upon the Korean people. Luckily, the purity of our thought caused the monster to become a good socialist and join the DPRK on its crusade to destroy all traces of capitalism from the Earth.
And it was a completely original idea that no one on the planet had ever thought of before. A monstrous lizard that destroys cities? That could only spring from the brilliant mind of Comrade Kim. Praise his magnificent wisdom.
Of course to make such a film would require expertise in film-making that the righteous North Korean people did not possess. So Comrade Kim “liberated” a South Korean film-maker from his home and brought them to live in the North. There he commanded them to help him tell the stories of Korean Socialism. After a trip to a re-education camp to correct the director’s mad desire to leave the People’s Republic, he and his wife finally agreed to cooperate.
The movie they created upon Comrade Kim’s orders was breathtaking.
The story, the special effects, the ideological instruction. Nothing touched by the hand of man has ever been so impeccably constructed. Nothing has been so close to perfection as to be almost a miracle of heaven. Even today, North Koreans in the cinema sit in stunned silence after the movie has finished playing. After a few hours, when they finally regain their senses, they weep for days.You’ll have to excuse me for a moment, I am overcome with emotion at the mere thought of it. Curse these hands for being too stupid to describe its beauty.
But, frightened by the magnificence of what they had created with the guidance of the Great Leader, the traitorous dogs who made betrayed the North, fleeing from the North Korean embassy in Vienna after the benevolent leader allowed them to travel outside the Republic. They managed to find refuge in the embassy of the American imperialists, despite the fact that our nation’s agents gave chase by car. May the curses of a thousand generations rest on their ancestors for such a betrayal!
Luckily, Comrade Kim’s greatest work survives.
General Kim Jong-Il Dunks On Bourgeoisie Fools To Inspire Us To Victory
The Great General understands how important sport is in creating right-minded youth. It inspires strong socialist ideals and strengthens the spleen to better engage in combat with the enemies of North Korea. And, as in everything, he excels in all areas of sports.
Take your decadent game of golf for instance. Kim Jong-Il, in spite of the capitalist leanings of the game, decided that it would be funny if he were to try it (if only to humiliate you westerners). And the Great General succeeded, scoring thirty-eight strokes under par and attaining five holes-in-one. Content with the victory he won over the forces of western imperialism, Comrade Kim set down his golf clubs and never picked them up again.
Instead, he turned to Basketball, a game that he invented. As you can imagine, Comrade Kim became the greatest player of all time, well known for his 5-foot vertical leap and having personally dunked on three US presidents and the First Minister of Scotland.
His humiliation of the West in the field of sports inspires us all to final victory over the forces of global capital.
Let’s Trim Our Hair in Accordance With the Socialist Lifestyle
People in the West are well known for their long unruly hair. We in Korea, do not indulge in such decadence. After all, It leeches important nutrients from your brains, as every knows.
In North Korea, people know better than to grow their hair out. In fact, the Great Leader knew that the hairstyle the Korean people choose is a vital part of the war against capitalism. That’s why he was always seen with his unique, frizzy perm. The terrible sight of our comrade’s curly locks caused foreign leaders to tremble with fear. To extend this follicular wisdom to the people, the government launched the “Let’s Trim Our Hair in Accordance With the Socialist Lifestyle” campaign.
Now in North Korea, men are permitted to choose from six different, state-approved hairstyles designed to inspire correct ideology and make us more aerodynamic for being fired out of cannons at the imperialists. It’s a remarkable system that makes life easier for everyone and heightens our ability to smash capitalism with increased industrial productivity.
So, for instance, you simply go to your barber and ask for a number four. No longer do you have to bring a photo of Josef Stalin with you to the barber to get a decent haircut. And the fact that barbers no longer make mistakes on your haircut means that time-consuming group criticism sessions are no longer necessary afterward.
Truly it is a triumph of socialism.
The Supreme Leader Smashes Capitalist-created AIDS With Socialist Ginseng
It is a well-known fact that AIDS and other diseases were created by the American government in a foolish attempt to bring down the rule of the people in North Korea. Luckily, the purity of the North Korean people meant that not a single case of AIDS has ever been reported. But in his beneficence, Kim Jong-Il decided that he would cure AIDS anyway, and instructed the state’s incredibly advanced medical research sector to develop a remedy.
After working tirelessly, the loyal socialist doctors discovered that by simply injecting the ginseng that grows naturally in glorious North Korea, AIDS, SARS, MERS, and even Swine Flu can be cured.
Such is the power of Ginseng, the most ideologically pure of root spices!
The Korean People’s Model Town Of Kijong-Dong And Its Mighty Flag Pole
When the Korean people were split in half after the Great Leader Kim Il-Sung fought the imperialist invaders to a truce, the Americans established a demilitarized zone separating the North Korea and South Korea. Now this became the only place that our oppressed brothers in the South could look upon the freedom and riches that we enjoyed in the North. At this time, Comrade Kim
Now this became the only place that our oppressed brothers in the South could look upon the freedom and riches that we enjoyed in the North. At this time, Comrade Kim desired to entice our Southern brothers to defect to the North. He decided to build a model village near the border that would attract Koreans from the south to come across the DMZ when they saw how incredibly rich and modern the village looked. And so comrade Kim built the village of Ki Jong-dong.
Some lying sources in the west will tell you that the village is completely empty, and was built to convince people in the South that our economy wasn’t on the brink of collapse, but these are despicable lies. It is a thriving village with happy residents. Plus every Friday, the great leader hands out free ice cream sandwiches there. And it’s the best ice cream anyone has ever tasted. Oh, the mighty flavors that are possible when the people are united behind their leader!
In celebration of this victory, Comrade Kim erected a flag pole to display our patriotism to the South.
Desiring not to be outdone by what was obviously a superior system that was able to produce such a mighty pole, the capitalists in the south mustered all their resources and managed to erect a massive 321-foot flag pole, topping it with their traitor’s banner.
Our Great General was vexed by this. He had no desire to wage a war of pole-erection against the South, but he knew that North Korea could never be safe as long as imperialist flag poles towered over the border, inspiring vague feelings of phallic inadequacy in our proud people.
Summoning the totality of his strength and power, Comrade Kim Jong-Il erected another mighty flag pole which towered over the puny pole of the capitalist swine. It was so tall, in fact, as to be the fourth-tallest flag pole in the world.
The South, now bored of the contest, didn’t even attempt to top it. A crushing defeat for capitalism!
The People’s Republic Needs Nuclear Weapons To Win Class Struggle
North Korea sits in a precarious position as our “gross human rights abuses” and “psychotically deluded leaders,” as your media puts it, makes dealing with the outside world difficult. This is why Comrade Kim Jong-Il understood the importance of acquiring nuclear weapons so as to more effectively demand grain imports from the pathetic west.
You might ask why we don’t use the resources of the nuclear program to grow the grain we need ourselves, but such a question is merely the result of capitalist indoctrination. North Korea, needs nuclear weapons, and under Kim Jong-Un, we have almost finally acquired them. Just this week, we test-fired a rocket capable of hitting the great enemy, the United States.
We need now only develop the technology to guide them to their targets, make nuclear warheads that can fit on a missile, and then build enough of them to destroy you… and move all our farming and living operations deep underground to protect us from the missiles you’re going to fire back. Fools, do you not see how close we are to drowning you in nuclear fire?
So, there you have it. You are no doubt green with envy of our socialist system by now. Do not worry, for one day, mighty comrade Kim Jong-Un will come to deliver you from your exploitation.
But in the meantime, he has a message he would like me to relate: Please stop calling him fat. Even Great Socialist Heroes have feelings, after all, and he’s kind of sensitive about it.