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Raddest things: Double entendres and douchebag dads

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raddest things

Image: This is so rad

It’s that time again, for our weekly Menstration, our highly subjective weekly roundup of the BAD and RAD from this week…It’s the Men’s Trait’s Raddest Thing of the Week award.

Before I get into the nominees, how about a breakdown of our process? We get hundreds of nominees per week from readers. If you want to nominate someone, there are about 3 ways to reach us:

  1. You can submit nominees to our Facebook page.
  2. You can tweet us your nonimations at @MensTraitOnline or  @johnpsousa using the hashtag #MTRaddestPersonOftheWeek or #MTDBagOfTheWeek.
  3. You can email us at “editorial at 301digitalmedia dot com” with “MT D-Bag Of The Week Nominee” or “MT Raddest Thing of the Week” in the subject line.

Depending on the nominee, we’ll publish a post, and then we’ll keep track of them all week. Our staff then votes (sometimes after a vigorous Slack debate). So, you can submit items on people/things that were RAD or people/things that are BAD and we will break them down.

We got so many nominees from readers this week that everything you see here is reader-nominated. Keep them coming, and we’ll keep the radness flowing back.

Raddest Person(s) of the Week: Jingle Bell Crotch

This nominee comes from a reader who also happens to be my mom. It’s dudes in tux jackets and now pants with bells in the penile area. Each shake of the hips rings out a note and together they play “Jingle Bells.” It’s pretty rad so good job, mom. Thanks for reading.

D-Bag of the Week Nominee #1: Literal Dog Fuckers

No less than 7 people sent along this nominee, one Thomas William Earle of Indiana. Two different women received packages containing screenshots and videos of Mr. Earle, and, umm…well, let’s go straight to the quote, shall we?

Officers obtained the packages, which contained a cover letter detailing several sexual relations that Earle was involved in. One of the sexual incidents included a dog. A photograph/video was included that showed a dog licking the penis of a male subject.

Earle admitted that the photograph/video showed the dog licking his own penis. He admitted that he masturbated after the dog finished licking him. Earle said the incident occurred sometime between June and August 2016.

I have a couple of questions. Did he send them phones in those packages? Or just printouts of the screenshots? If it’s just printouts of the screenshots, how did they watch the videos? Also I mean, come on, man. Did he think this was gonna give him a shot with these ladies?

Also, this is not even the worst dog-sex related nominee we received this week. That one goes to reader Joe in Manteca, CA, who sent this us this article about the dogs who were being pimped out for sex with humans. Trust me, you may not want to click on that link. You won’t see any gross photos or anything but it is seriously sad.

This may even be worse than the time a bunch of tourist assholes selfied a baby dolphin to death.

No, it’s definitely worse.

How about a palette-cleanser?

D-Bag of the Week Nominee #2: Douchebag Dads

Reader Saurabh from Cleveland passed along this piece about dads in Brooklyn who are raising their children to call them “Papa” instead of “Dad” or “Daddy.” Let’s hear first from Will Grose:

“I just think ‘dad’ and ‘mom’ are very Saved by the Bell-ish,” said Will Grose, 36, a Brooklyn father of three boys under the age of 5: Axel, Oscar (“Ozzy”), and Balthazar (“Bo”). He estimated that half of the children in his 4-year-old son’s Williamsburg preschool call their fathers “papa.”

Another reader, Andrew from Cupertino, who also submitted the people in the article, also says, “I’ve already changed the names of the kids in my mind to what they’re going to be called on the playground: “Axhole, Boxcar, Ballsacczar.” I actually like “Asscar” for Oscar, but of course it should noted that it is not the fault of these poor kids that their hipster shithead Papa named them after the the henchmen of a 3rd-tier supervillain, and of course we don’t condone bullying of any kind.

portrait-of-young-hipster-in-a-hat-holding-a-camera

Okay Axel, Say, “Organic Raw-Milk Camembert!” (Image: Duct / Shutterstock


But let’s also hear from Justin Underwood, whose daughter, Ashton Love (natch) also calls him “Papa.” Calling himself a “feminist papa bear,”

…thinks the “dad” sobriquet is “very bland and drab. There’s no excitement to it, and I feel like the word papa nowadays has so many meanings. We live in an age when fathers are more in touch with their feminine sides and are all right with playing dress-up and putting on makeup with their daughters.”

I have daughters, and I love playing with them. In fact, right at this moment my toenails are pink because my five year-old wanted to “give me a pedicure.” It was fun and it was cute and I love my daughters and I didn’t think twice about doing it. But I also don’t need to make a goddam political statement out of it. I don’t need a cookie at the playground from Gearshaft’s papa. Also it makes me think that none of these assholes owns a TV, because if they did, they would know that the most famous “Papa” in America is the guy who hangs out with Peyton Manning and has a weird tan and threw a tantrum over Obamacare. That’s right, this guy: 

Look, I know in Brooklyn they have real pizza joints, both old school joints and places you can get a locally sourced sorrel and pear gorgonzola pie or whatever, so they’ve never seen a Papa John’s. There are three in my town. Also, his commercials are ubiquitous during football season.I’m beginning to understand how Trump won. No elitist hipster naming their kids after car parts is gonna tell me what to do. 

But you’d think they’d be watching Netflix their iPads. Then they’d know who else wanted to be called “Papa.” The bad guy from Stranger Things, Dr. Brenner, who literally spends 11 years torturing a little girl he’d kidnapped via c-section so he could use her psychic powers.

Matthew Modine doctor brenner

(This is “Papa.” He is Evil.) Image: Netflix

Or maybe hipsters don’t do Netflix anymore they use reclaimed those old projectors we had in school, and they project Red Asphalt onto the wall in the their flat with no sound so they can play the score on their artisanal ukuleles.

I hate to say it, because this dude posed with himself holding a bunch of kale like a goddam newborn infant, but Andy Prosserman has the right idea. He’s only 25, but he got a vasectomy because he wants to open a brewery and ride his motorcycle and play Nintendo or whatever, who cares. The point is, he is exactly the kind of guy would name his kid Bicycle Destiny and make that kid call him “Papa.” Hell he probably named his baby kale something ironic like “Chicharrón.” But we’ll never know, because he snipped his baby maker cords. Nice work.

Raddest Thing of the Week: Double Entendres

The first comes from Thanksgiving Day, and NFL on Fox, who was broadcasting the game between the Dallas Cowboys and the Washingtons. Color Commentator Troy Aikman let out a doozy, and the internet ran with it.

Now that’s how you go about not having kids.

Next we have PftCommenter retweeting Mega Pastor Rick Warren:

 

Did you know that the practice of teens having anal sex to preserve their virginity is known as “Saddlebacking,” after Pastor Warren’s church, Saddleback Church, which teaches a form of abstinence-only sex education. Just an interesting fact that his tweet about rubbing it out made me think of.

When asked if that means Jesus masturbates, well, the only acceptable reply:

 

It’s also great that Joel Osteen is a fan of giving your friend a hand.

I love double entendres because I’m 14. Anyway that about does it. Have a great weekend and rub one out if you need to.

Image: Duct / Shutterstock

John P Sousa is a Digital Content Producer at 301 Digital Media. His Facebook feed infuriates him. He got his MFA in Creative Writing from Trump University. He mostly retweets NBA Memes at @johnpsousa.